Phantom Says: I don’t know that it’s society that has created such a stigma, as opposed to the women who fall into this particular category have manifested it for themselves. The mind can play some funny tricks on a person at times and we as people are what we think we are. A lot of times women in their 30’s who are single and African American, find themselves getting older and desiring more out of their lives. When what it is that they are seeking is not readily available, they tend to see their unattained pursuits as failures and thus the imaginary stigma is born. As a man I can tell you, a woman’s a woman, no matter her age or ethnicity. Women in their 30’s and 40’s are some of the most desirable women I’ve had the pleasure of coming in contact with over the years. But, to answer your question, a few women that fit this “stigma” have children (… some men are not ready for this responsibility yet), are sometimes overbearing and at times, appear down right desperate. These are three things, depending on the type of man and where he is within his life that could limit the depth of any relationship.

 

Big Rick Says: First, before I even begin to answer your question, let me make it perfectly clear to you that I love all of my beautiful black sisters, and the comments that I'm about to make do not include all single black females, and are my personal feelings, and do not reflect the feelings of all black men. (1) Many sbf's carry a lot of "baggage" with them, meaning, categorizing all black men as being untrustworthy dogs that are only seeking one thing. I know it's hard when you've been in one bad relationship after another, but somehow, you've got to let your guard down a little bit, and lose the pre-conceived notions that you have about men. In keeping your guard up, you're running the good men away! (2) I see so many sfb's just letting themselves fall by the wayside and not trying to work on their appearance at all. Again, some men don't care and are attracted to anything; however, there isn’t anything nothing wrong with a man wanting a woman that's somewhat pleasing to the eye. (3) Desperation. There are some sbf's that will run off a good man by "pushing" themselves on him. They are so glad to have finally found a potential "Mr. Right" that they don't realize that they are smothering him…especially in the early stages of the relationship. Just relax and let things flow with him. If it's meant to be, you'll find that he'll become more interested in you and wants to know more about you.

 

The Kid Says: This is a nice case predicated from a double standard that exists in society, perpetuated by both sexes. It is easily ok for men to date younger women up to 10 years younger than they are, but not the other way around. Thus, that means that a 30 year old women who isn’t approached by men in a 15 year age span (20-35 year old) must have something wrong with her. That's one aspect of the problem. The other issue is merely a real world application of supply and demand. Most men by the time they are 30-35 have found a wife (large range of ages to choose from under 30). Anyone who has taken a class in economics realizes that this means the price of men has gone up as the quantity has decreased. Men are just more selective and will really want the perfect woman, as opposed to settling--that may mean only the 90th percentile and above are pursued.

 

Having said that here are some things that can keep men away:

 

Kenyada Says: First, I have to admit that I don’t go by this stigma because in my past I have frequently and unintentionally chose women who are older than me and I did not have a “cougar” focus. However, I do focus heavily on maturity, personality, and conversation (note: I personally can’t stand it when a woman describes herself as a “5 star chick” or whatever the next hit song is … I’m jus sayin’) With that being explained, I do know men who purposely pursue women younger than 30+ and their reasons usually are (1) they have a fear that the woman will be hitting menopause soon and they’re not willing to deal with that (2) a woman who’s 30+, black, and single is usually too independent and materialistic and not concerned with being a mother and a wife – basically, this kind of woman is usually so proud of her success and achievements that it makes it hard for a man to really believe that she’ll be willing to be loving, selfless, and forgiving – and (3) a woman who are 30+, black, single (and successful) usually aren’t stupid. Face it women, men do look for dummies, sometimes! Therefore, if you’re 30+, black, single, and successful you’ll more than likely have to deal with what I call “lonely freedom” – mentally free, but physically alone – because you’re a member of the minority and not the majority. Hope this helps.

 

GeekQuotient a.k.a. GQ Says:

 

Achu Says: Above any of this below, you first have to stop paying any attention to the these stigma’s…..

 

 

 

 

Me163 Says: It isn’t [the single black female’s] fault. I say to screw what society says anyway if they say it is a stigma. Some people just don’t feel like being with anyone or they are too goal oriented and can’t find anyone who supports what they are trying to do. So it may seem virtually impossible to pursue two goals at the same time (which conflicts with one another in the long run). But females who are unrealistic in their standards but WANT to be with someone ARE at fault. You’ll find the smallest things to complain about on everyone and with that logic that you would end up with no one. Society and its expectations are unrealistic anyway and you can make yourself crazy trying to appease it. The stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my life is “Why are you single? Because you broke up with someone, right? Because you got a divorce, right?” But nowadays people’s minds are geared towards the negative so they assume something negative whenever something doesn’t fit into a fake paradigm created by others.

 

Jeremiah Says: I would advise that you don’t spend too much time entertaining stigmas or stereotypes, or whatever else is thrown in your direction. The key things that any good man is watching for is whether or not you’re moving too fast, have an unpleasant attitude, and of course authentic compatibility. Some say that as women age they lose their flair. The gentle care free aura that once captivated all in passing eventually gets drowned in bitterness and insatiability. Sure, I’ve seen women possess these repelling qualities, but not enough to make any generalizations. The world is a tough place for black women, this I understand. Stigmas may lurk, but you just want to make sure you’re not demonstrating any of them. 

 

            Keep in mind, according to your question, it seems these stigmas are coming at you fairly strong, so you’re obviously making a connection. As I’ve stated, you want to make sure you don’t seem in a hurry. Just because you spend the night a couple of times, doesn’t mean it’s cool to leave stuff at his house. Also, be easy with the marriage stuff. You want to be sure you don’t turn light conversation about what his marriage ideals are into a big, hairy, passionate-night-in-the-sheets-killing debate. (Yeah I went there!!!) Believe me, this is a major deal breaker. Men want to ease into this scenario.   Even having hypothetical conversations can be too much.   This doesn’t mean don’t talk about it at all; just be okay with him not saying what you want to hear. If his ideals aren’t in harmony with yours, you can make an educated decision regarding what category you want to place him in to match your convenience. 

 

I mentioned earlier that attitude is a key component in a man’s level of interest. Attitude is a major thing that either makes a man dread leaving a woman’s side, or inspire him to create any reason under the sun to be away from her. I consider myself a decent looking guy and very chivalrous, not to mention. Often, I politely say hello to a black woman in passing, and all I hear is crickets. I mean come on, is the chip on your shoulder so big that it’s blocking your ears? Be nice! Every man that says hello isn’t out to ruin your credit! Also, when dealing with a man on a more intimate level, he doesn’t want a sparring partner. If you don’t want his company, create some time alone. If you don’t be true to yourself first, you will only enable static between you and your love interest. 

 

Lastly, as you know, no relationship can thrive in the absence of compatibility and I’m sure you gave some of those guys the boot yourself. But some say that as single women age they become more engulfed in their careers. This is wonderful for your personal growth, but constant conversation about your job gets boring quickly, and makes establishing a connection for the juicy stuff a lot more complicated. You probably don’t get randomly aroused at work very often, so imagine how un-arousing excessive career banter could be.

 

Moreover, these things may not be entirely your issues. However, they are legitimate things that consistently drive men away. I offer them as points of reference, if nothing else. Take a little time and contemplate them, and see if any of the topics are applicable to any situation that you wished had a better outcome. I encourage you to keep at it and don’t settle and wind up with a jackass. Keep your eyes open to genuine kindness. Lots of time women claim there’s no good men, but constantly disrespect the crap out of nice guys that aren’t 6-3, 210 with washboard abs. Continue to better yourself, so when you do encounter the “one” you will be his perfect match.  You go girl!