Dear HEET:

I’m a single mother and I’ve been dating a guy for about 3-1/2 years. We started off as just friends (no strings attached) and then it transpired into something more. I’m 28 and he’s a little younger, 22. We’ve gone through some very emotional times (ex. unexpected pregnancy/abortion, breaking of ties and getting back together). During one of our “off moments” he started dating someone else. He’s dating her now, but is still telling me that he loves me and keeps calling me and coming to see me. Obviously, we wouldn’t have lasted this long if he didn’t care for me. I think he’s confused as to what he wants to do. I’ve watched him break down in tears while saying that he doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t know why we are NOT together. What is he so scared of?

 

~Friend w/No Benefits

_________

 

The Kid Says: People only do what you allow them to do. If you're scared that he may leave you (high and dry) and you let him stay on the fence—then he will. If you are prepared to walk away, then you have to make him make a decision—trust me. He will! He doesn't want to hurt you, but if you want to know the truth, you have to be prepared for the entire spectrum of responses. His decision may or may not be the one you want him to make, which also begs a better question. Do you know what do you want to do? Is this the guy you want to be with, or does he just provide security for you? Think about that first and come up with the answer in order to determine if it's even worth it, or if it time for YOU to move on.

 

Zeek Says: Nothing! He is just young and wants to keep his options open—with you being one of his options. If he is telling you that he loves you and then crying and all, then what do you think he is telling her? When he comes to see you and tells you he loves you, and cries, does it typically end with sex?  Probably. Going through those tough times should have brought you two closer together,  I would think, but they could have also have given him a way out. Tell him to man up; chin up, chest out, and quit the crying!!!

 

Big Rick Says: What are you doing while he's dating someone else? How do you feel about him? To me, his actions speak much louder than his words and emotions. If he loves you so much, why is he with the other woman? I don't think there's a lot of love here, but just a guy that doesn't want to lose his "benefits." It really depends on what you want and if you're comfortable with continuing the "roller coaster ride" with this guy. It's pretty obvious that when the going gets rough, he's gone.....at least until you're able to get yourself back together....then he's back! Again, it's your life, but I urge you to just think carefully about what you've been doing for him and what he's been doing for you and how you really feel about him. I don't think it's a matter of him being "scared," but, more of "having his cake and eating it too!"

 

ME163 Says:  If you honestly have to ask this question then you are just as confused and conflicted as HE is. (no disrespect) If he's doing that while dating someone else then what makes you so certain that he wouldn't be running back to her or the next female crying the same way if you and him DID get together. Are you dead serious? But you are kind of playing yourself by ENTERTAINING it because a person can't come to see you if you refuse to see THEM. So it's on YOU to decide what position you want to be at in life. If you want to sit up and be someone else's jump-off, or be a shoulder for a grown a%# man to cry on, or if you want to go in circles like you can't get anyone else or something (when there are single men out there without conflicted and fickle mental issues like that), then continue to go in circles for another 3-4 years. If you're not a progressive thinker then you really don't have a question for the HEET Column because you're doing what your mind is allowing you to do—which is go in circles. Either dead all the drama or be a part of it and keep going in circles. Imjussayin.

 

Mac-2 Says: This is a simple case of he is not as into you as you think he is. It's obvious that he does not want to be with you, the girlfriend should be your biggest hint. Take it from me, if he wanted to be with you there is nothing on earth that could stop him. One thing men do (and I'm guilty of this myself) is leaving the door open with old friends just in case it doesn't work out with the new girlfriend. I would always have a “standby on the bench” waiting to get in the game and take the #1 position. If you keep the door open, for whatever reason, he will continue to call and stop by to see you without having to define the relationship and if you force the relationship issue he will make a decision and I guarantee you want like it. He'll take the loss because you are the bench-warmer and not the #1 pick anyway. As far as him breaking down and crying, all I can say is that he is doing what he has to do to have his cake and ice cream with a side of pie (and guess which one you are). When I was 22 there was only one thing I wanted and it wasn't a serious relationship. The facts of this letter show that you would be better off if you let this guy go especially if he is not willing to commit to you and your child. You guy has broke it off for a reason and you should remember that reason as you move forward with your life and start dating someone new.

 

Jeremiah says: The 20’s are a very tumultuous time for most people. All of my elders have told me this is the time when you’re really struggling to grasp who you are. This is the period where most people are suspended in confusion while trying to make decisions that can potentially determine the rest of their lives. Your guy is no different. A 6 year age difference in the 20s is big difference than in the 30s in most cases. Anything this young man is experiencing now, you’ve probably already seen. He may even be wise beyond his years, but he’s still fresh in his manhood. You on the other hand are getting closer to figuring yourself out and have become comfortable with adult situations and making adult decisions. You ask, “What is he so scared of?”… Life! You’re a grown woman and he really has to rise in order to cover all areas and fulfill all dynamics of the relationship. This is a lot to ask of someone who’s not prepared. For a man, real life circumstances and conflicts can only be navigated successfully when a man has grown gracefully. We must go through real situations in order to develop a legitimate sense of conflict resolution to be able to take charge and rise to the occasion. When my wife and I met, we were 20years old and she already had a daughter. I was attracted to her and wanted us to date, but she wanted more stability. All I wanted to do was have some fun and travel light. I wasn’t in a state where I could handle this degree of responsibility. I did the best I could at the time, which was telling her the truth. She respected me for this even more and we remained friends and about 5 years later we got married. Honestly speaking I wasn’t man enough for the responsibility required to make her happy. Not to mention, we didn’t have the gap in age. The point is, his life is simple right now.   It sounds like it’s just him that he has to worry about. You on the other hand have a young one to worry about. Some people believe that a woman with children can be in a relationship with a man and the man and children have nothing to do with each other. A single parent has enough strain! If a man comes into your life, he should be coming willing and ready to simplify it. Not complicate your life by causing you to try and live separate lives with your child and him.   If you and he are meant to be, then he has to grow up in order to be a worthy participant in the relationship...I’m sorry but otherwise you’re asking a boy to do a man’s job.

 

Kenyada says: I’d have to say you’re right – he is confused, but I’d also have to ask if are you continuing to let this go on because you’re trying to mold him into what you want? Is his potential too much to ignore or let go? I ask this because you’re 28, a single mother, and you’re “letting” him continue to call you and “letting” him continue to come to see you and you knowing that he has another chick … and you also know how you feel about him; therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re not giving him any benefits, you’re still dragging things along, which plays with his emotions and yours. With you being in your position, you have to be the one to draw the line because you have another life that’s depending on you and you’re only getting older. This kind of age gap within the twenties is severely different from a similar age gap in the thirties. So are you going to continue to “play mommy” or do you want a man? You, as a woman, already know how real it is out here and with that being the case, you don’t want to walk into a commitment with someone who is not totally sure about what it’s going to take to make it … and this is coming from a man who’s been the younger man with the older woman. She had expectations that she thought I understood, but I didn’t. In fact, I told her I did understand … however, shortly afterwards I realized that I didn’t know what the hell I was getting into. So open your eyes baby, you’re dealing with a “double-minded” man and you need to set yourself free because he’s not going to choose to let you go anytime soon. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy and I’m not saying he can’t grow, but I am saying he’s not ready and YOU know it … and this is coming from a man who has unfortunately wasted the time of others. Hope this helps you out.

 

Phantom Says: n/a

Soy Sawse Says: n/a