Dear HEET:

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. We talk, email and text each other every single day. We see each other about once a month, if we are able. We try to meet up in the middle. In the past two years he has been to my place a few times, but I’ve only been to his once. We talk about me moving to where he lives and our overall future together. But I just can’t seem to get over the fact that he never really asks me to come to his house. I sometimes wonder if he has something to hide, but we are always talking—even during the weekends and for hours at a time. This situation makes me sad. How can he want me to live with him if he barely wants me to visit? We argue a lot about this, but he keeps saying that he’s trying to find the right time (since he travels so much). What should I do?

~Miss He’s Hiding Something

Click Here to COMMENT

Jeremiah says: I asked myself the question, 'why would a good man not want his old lady to visit his humble abode' and the only reasonable answer is, he may be ashamed of it. Maybe he enjoys hanging out on your side of things better. If this were the case and as petty as it may be, it's ultimately up to him to articulate his personal issues surrounding this matter. I honestly feel you have every reason to be perplexed by this obstacle. I mean logically you two living so far apart could be quite adventurous if approached methodically. When you visit his home, he can set up the agenda and surprise you with exciting things for you to do when you visit his neck of the woods. You can do the same thing when he visits you, so at least you're not doing the same crap all the time when you do finally get together. This notion brings me back to my original point. What is the main reason that a man wouldn't want the woman in his life to have free access to his home? The obvious answer is, something is up. Maybe he has someone that keeps showing up, and he doesn't want you to know about it. Maybe he receives some calls that he doesn't want you to be privy to. These are questions for you to answer, but i will tell you this. When a man is truly exclusive with a woman he goes all in. You refereed to your union as a relationship, so I'm assuming you are serious about him. You should know that when a man is really in it fully, he gives his lady 3 keys: he key to his heart, car, and home. At any rate, I'm sure I don't have to discuss how tough long distance relationships are, as you already know. You've been seeing each other for far too long for you to not be able to freely visit his spot. Furthermore, it shouldn't take 2 years to find the right time for the one and only woman in his life to come over. I don't care if he lives in Scandinavia and you live in the southern part of Beijing! When a man truly loves a woman, he goes out of his way for her, doing anything possible to bring her desires into fruition. Another thing to consider... if he wants you to come live with him, what's stopping it from happening. We men are pathetic when we don't have access to the woman holding our hearts. If having you live with him is something he actually ever wanted, you coming over to spend some vacation time with him wouldn't be enough to prompt reoccurring arguments. In reality, he should be actively trying to get you beside him, no matter how much he travels for work. I imagine he'd continue to have the same job once you moved in, theoretically, so how long will he "masochistically allow himself to suffer" while he's unable to see you?! Seriously, dude's toying around with something you genuinely value! You have to decide what the right move to take would be, acknowledging you've brought your concerns to him more than a few times and no corrective action was taken. I know you're frustrated, but I need you to know and understand that when a man cares, he won't let you continue to suffer. If he loves you, your suffering should be the most potent cause of discontentment for him.

ME163 Says: Long distance relationships only work out when it comes together down the line. If he isn’t talking deeper about coming together then you should already know what it is. As far as him possibly hiding something...if he is faithfully corresponding with you, then I doubt another woman is what he is hiding, so I don't see why you would be alarmed when women hide 100 elements and expect males not to hide ANY aspects of self. Imjussayin. Males don't like to share everything in the same manner or frequency as females. Maybe he doesn’t want you to judge him by his home. It’s just a thought.

Kenyada says: I’ve experienced being in a long distance relationship for some years while traveling for my job and I have to say that only being to his place once in the past two years says a lot!!! However, I’m not sure if it’s more convenient for him to come your way in comparison to you traveling to see him (in my opinion, this can be a strong determining factor, depending on who’s covering the costs for travel, and other variables may be involved as well). Either way, I think it’s definitely time for you to ask to come his way and if there is a “no” or some sort of excuse you need to start paying more attention to his responses. Are they understandable or are they some B.S. – because I don’t know what “trying to find the right time” could refer to. From there, determine if things are shady and if so, choose a time to talk to him about it – don’t be a sneaky chick, be straight up with him – and if he’s flaky or vague in his responses confront him about that because if he’s talking about you moving to where he lives and your overall future together, which is some serious stuff in my book, then he shouldn’t have a problem with being straight-forward and direct about it. Quit arguing about the issue and not making any progress in resolving the issue … it’s a waste of time and energy. Become proactive and direct and quit falling into the trap of arguing because it’s possibly a trick to delay the implementation of a solution or your decision to leave him. As you said in your post, “In the past two years he has been to my place a few times, but I’ve only been to his once.” … since you’ve now addressed your feelings about this you need to act. With that being explained, here are some no-nonsense questions to help you ponder: (1) There are a lot of holidays that pass within a two year time frame – have you spent any with him? You definitely made me think that you guys rarely ever get together, including holidays! (2) Is he really satisfied with only seeing you once a month? I mean, for real, he’s a man and you’re a woman … nuff said. (3) What does he do that reaffirms that he does want you to move where he lives and work on your overall future together? … Hope this helps.

Phantom Says: n/a

Mac-2 Says: n/a

The Kid Says: n/a

Zeek Says: n/a

Soy Sawse Says: n/a

Big Rick Says: n/a