Dear HEET:

I’ve always been told by my mother that regardless of how independent a woman is, she should always do her best to ensure that her man feels needed. Since the "Miss Independent Era" has surfaced, what are some things that women shouldn't do that could potentially have a negative effect on a man's ego (a feeling that the female doesn't need him) in a relationship?

 

Mac-2 Says: One thing women shouldn't do is flaunt the fact that they earn more money. Just knowing that she earns more money will mess with the ego of some brothers. Women also shouldn't flaunt the fact that they are college educated. You don't have to remind him that you chose to pursue a higher level of education. Also, some women feel that is necessary to criticize the career that her man has. She might feel this is motivation for him to do better, but it might just have the opposite effect. Each and every man is different. Something you might say to one man might be considered negative, but to another brother it might be motivation to improve himself. You have to understand the mentality of the man you are dealing with. 

 

Big Rick Says: In my opinion (provided that your man is good to you and you're in a healthy relationship) these are some things that will definitely have a negative effect on his ego. If you're in a bad relationship (and he's no good) then you're doomed anyway, so these scenarios won’t matter. Here are six things that you shouldn’t do:

For most men, our egos are the one main area of vulnerability. Again, I say for "most" of us. There are others that simply just don't care. They can't be hurt. A real man is sensitive to all of those things mentioned above. A real man will love you, cherish you, and will be willing to go with you through thick and thin, even if he knows deep down inside that you can survive without him. However, you don't have to remind him of it!

 

Achu Says: Now, don’t get up and go to work-out right after you’ve had sex!!! That will really hurt his ego. But seriously, I don’t think a woman should suppress her abilities. The two parties just need to develop their roles in the relationship. If you can flip and rotate some tires on the car, don’t hold back because your guy can’t. Get down and dirty. I believe it is a new time for men as well. We have had to humble ourselves a bit because there are so many woman that are able to do the so called “Man’s Job”. I think there are far more single mothers in this era that have been forced to become “Miss Independent,” but still would welcome the additional support from a man. You’ll find and understand who is good at what in the relationship, and then just roll with it. We as men might be the better cook, but we still finish everything on the plate when you cook it!

 

ME163 Says:  I don't think its a good idea to invent, fabricate, or construct a purpose for a man because an intelligent man may see through something like that and take it as a form of patronization or like your insulting his intelligence. My opinion may be slightly biased because I personally feel that an independent woman is awesome and perfect. Your mother’s advice comes from an aspect of growing up in an era of female independence not being so commonplace therefore foreign and hard for certain males to accept comprehend or get their heads around. However, I find that a lot of independent women will go out of their way to express just how independent they are and that is (on some level) redundant and tiresome when dating or getting to know someone because nowadays every female has jumped on that movement and go out of their way to say they don't need a man to do A B or C...but nobody said you DID! Feel me? I say just be yourself. Whoever accepts it, accepts it—as long as you don't throw the fact that you are independent up in someone’s face like a child then you wouldn't have any issues. Let males draw their OWN conclusion that you are in fact independent. You don't have to constantly label yourself as such because you’ll then sound like you don't WANT a man. This can appear contradictory on some levels.

 

Jeremiah Says: First off, endless kudos to your mom for equipping you with this wonderful philosophy as this truly positions you for harmony in a relationship. The key essential thing to remember, in this situation is mutual respect. For example, even if you make more money than him, you should still have the full expectation for him to be a man. Moving over and allowing him to be the man is less about chauvinism and should actually be more about chivalry. It seems a lot of women take offense to chivalrous gestures these days. Open the door for some women and they have an essay memorized on how they don’t need your assistance to enter or leave a building. See a woman struggling with something heavy and offer to help, some will snap and insist on doing it themselves no matter how obvious the upheaval... Pull a chair out at a dinner table and you’re liable to get cussed out! The odd thing is so many women today still talk about chivalry being dead. Fascinating!!! Personally, I think just allowing a GOOD MAN to be a good man, and showing genuine appreciation for him in most cases is enough. If you’re fortunate to establish a connection with a Prince Charming, than cooling out and allowing him to treat you as his queen goes a long way. Also, it’s just as important for you to be a good woman in return. We all know a woman’s nurturing ability is an unrivaled force on this planet. Giving him some good old fashion reassurance now and then, may be necessary, and is well worth it, if you’re with the right one. I always say that a woman, being the closest person to a man has the capacity to either make or break her man. I say this because outside the door, adversity waits for him every day. What most real men want from a woman is refuge. Your main objective should be to build him up. When he comes home from being on the battlefield “work or any other stressful event” the worst thing to do, if you care for him, is be another opponent by excessive nagging, or begin to monologue about him not doing something right.  As long as he’s good to you, speak to him pleasantly and be kind to him, and you will be playing your part. If he constantly feels inferior or feels he’s not needed, than I recommend a good therapist... Just kidding about the shrink thing!!!  

 

Kenyada Says: In general, women should just allow their men to be men. In other words, don’t jump in on something that he initiated and try to take control just because you think it can be done differently. Also, don’t compare and don’t be so quick to talk, but be slow to listen, and don’t let the success that you obtained independently go to your head – remain humble. Being an extremely independent woman will only push men away… period! As a man, I’d have to say there aren’t too many things worse than arguing with a woman who thinks she has more nuts than I do. Crazy right? Kind of makes me wonder if those “sex toys” are making ya’ll feel too d*** good!

 

Soy Sawse Says: First and foremost, your mother is a brilliant woman. From an older woman to a younger one, this is probably one of the best pieces of advice that she could have given you. In understanding that a man needs to feel needed, you have to understand that the male ego is extremely fragile, and when we feel like that we are not needed, we can mistake that for not being wanted. I said all of that to say this. I have composed a small list of things that you (as a woman) should never do to make your man to feel like you don’t need him: 

1.)    Regardless of how much money you make, allow your man to provide for you on occasion. Historically, men have always made more money than women, even for doing the same job. Nowadays, being that more women are bringing home just as much (if not more) bacon as the men, men may feel that they can't provide for their women like they "need" or "want" to.  

2.)    Don't allow your man to always initiate sex. Sometimes in a relationship, women allow complacency to intervene in their sex lives. If he always kicks things off in the bedroom, switch it up on him. Do that special thing that you KNOW you only do on his birthday, and let him take over. Make him feel like he is the best thing that you have ever had.  

3.)    Let your man be who he is. I hear women all the time say "Girl, I'mma change him" or "I'mma tame him". My response to them is "Who the hell do you think you are?" This is how so many women end up being by themselves; bitter, talking about "men aint sh**". C'mon... NO WOMAN wants a man that she can boss around, and 9 times out of 10, she will end up turning him into something she never wanted anyway-A PUSHOVER. Men do not like ultimatums, and definitely do not like to be told what to do. Not to say that he should be disrespectful or disregard your feelings, and he very well may be in need of some refinement, but it has to be in sync with his goals and desires as a man as well. 

 

This is just the tip of the iceburg. These things will get you off on the right start to have a happier home and a better relationship.