Dear HEET,

I hear men say that you should NEVER talk about marriage early on when dating because it could scare a man away, but I’m the type of woman who wants to make sure that I am not wasting my time—as soon as possible. Sooo, is there a good way to ask about his intentions early and if so, how? Also, what are 3 of the top deciding factors that men use when deciding to date or not date a woman OR marry or not marry a woman? I’m sorry for so many questions, but I just need to know!

~Miss I’m So Ready 

The Kid Says: Yes, you should NOT bring up marriage early when dating because it makes you seem pushy can freak him out. I understand not wanting to waste your time, but it sounds like you like to be in control of everything. Sometimes you just have give up control and go with the flow--at least for a bit. You should be able to get a sense of his intentions at least to the point of whether it’s worth pursuing as it goes along, even early in the dating. But who really knows if they would want to marry someone within the 90 day probationary period, so take it easy on him for a bit. Also one way to lighten the blow is to talk about it and to talk about your own thoughts toward marriage before just turning it into an interrogation. Deciding factors are initial attraction—(aesthetically and personality--need both), Long term prospects—family (if he wants one), your occupational goals, etc and finally compatibility—(have to be able to enjoy one another every year for the rest of your lives).

Soy Sawse Says: This is an excellent set of questions that we will try to breakdown one by one. For many men in today’s society, marriage is the equivalent of being diagnosed with a terminal illness. When I told people I got married, “Aw man, you got married? Why?” was the response that I got from a lot of people that I know. This attitude usually comes from marriage being looked at as the END of a life instead of the bright BEGINNING of a new one. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about your dilemma…First and foremost, you shouldn’t look at dating as wasting time. Love is a journey and not a destination. You have to take time to really get to know the person before you make a lifelong commitment to them. The vast majority of the time, the goal that you are striving towards is greater than the struggle that you have to go through to get there.   Besides, the initial stages of dating are a façade anyway, so it will take a little time to find out what this person really wants from you and if you. I am definitely a proponent of not talking about marriage too early when dating, but you can do it tactfully and tastefully. Women have an elevated level of cunning when they want to find something out anyway, so just play to your natural instincts and go with them. PRESENTATION is KEY!!! Think about what your favorite meal is. Now, if someone brought you your favorite meal on a trash can lid, would you eat it? Of course not. The same thing goes for this conversation. You have to present it in a way where the man will be receptive to what you’re trying to find out. As far as the 3 deciding factors that men look at when choosing a mate…well,  that would definitely depend on the man. They will range from your age, physical characteristics, (which is crazy, b/c the vast majority of it, you can’t control) the number of children that you have, culinary skills, promiscuity, etc. Personally, I don’t feel that I could narrow it down to three, but I would say that if I had to choose three for my wife, they would be that I think she is incredibly beautiful, ( she is to me anyway, because no one else’s opinion matters, and regardless of what anyone says, YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO THE PERSON), extremely smart (b/c you have to be able to have an intelligent conversation and talk about things other than that new Coach bag that you want for your birthday) and a tie between being good with the money and good in the sack. 

Big Rick Says: Just ask him how he feels about it. It's not that you're asking him to marry you, but, I think that you should at least be honest with him, and let him know...up front...how strongly you feel about it. He should be man enough to also let you know how he feels about it, and together, the both of you should at least be able to talk about it. You shouldn't have to worry about him running away, but, if he does, then maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway. As far as the 3 top deciding factors that we use for dating or marriage goes, it varies with us. I can only say that for the most part, we look for the same things: 1. compatibility, 2. appearance, and, 3. mental state of mind. Again, these things vary with different men, but, especially in marriage, a real man wants someone that he can spend the rest of his life with. He wants a friend, a lover, a companion, and, someone that can work together with him through the good and bad times in life.

ME163 Says: I feel it's cool to casually say what you are seeking in a date, but I wouldn't force the issue. The only time it would scare a man away is if he doesn’t intend to potentially marry you to begin with. And, if that’s the case then why would you waste your time.  That's “jumpoff” status. Do you really need to deal with someone who is running from commitment? Would he run if that was Beyonce? Imjussayin. The whole entire concept of running from commitment is shallow on both parties.  Why even chase a man and why even sleep with someone with whom you will not want to deal with if you had a baby or something. That's cartoonish. So honestly, it doesn’t matter when you talk about it. If that's what you're looking to eventually do then you may as well TALK about it. Otherwise, you won't ever get to that end result. If you get into situations where you notice that when you talk about marriage and are scared away, then switch up the paradigm of male that you are going after. Or, if you can't, then eternally deal with people who won't take you serious. As for the 3 deciding factors? That depends on the guys.

Jeremiah Says: The best way to ask a man about what his plans are for life is to simply ask him ‘what do you want from life?’ This question could be asked at any period of a relationship without offense. The most important thing to do after you ask the question is to listen. Listen to his answer and take it for what it is. If he doesn’t mention marriage, it’s ok to ask him if he ever wants to, but if marriage isn’t in his plans, don’t make it into a debate. If you listen closely, most men tell you what they want, the problem is a lot of women know what they want to hear, so they ignore the obvious as well as their famous “women’s intuition” and mentally manipulate a man’s answer and sculpt his words to mean whatever she wants. This does nothing but leave her feeling bitter and betrayed when unfavorable, but highly preventable things begin to happen. I say it often, when a man wants a woman, she’s the first to know it. He doesn’t waste time, or leave room for error. Now I acknowledge the fact, not all men are honest. Some may speak in more equivocal language when asked tough questions, but even when a man is trying to throw you off with his choice of words; it still speaks volumes into his integrity. A man says what he means and means what he says. Boys say what they feel is necessary to get what they want. Real love is a grownup thing and it’s up to you to not give boys access. If you are early in the dating process, then the most important aspect is the dating process. Most men are turned off by in depth conversations about spending their lives with women they just met. When I was on the dating scene, I didn’t want to feel like a woman was ready to marry me at “Hello.”   There’s nothing wrong with gaining insight into what he feels is his ideal life; however, this is exactly what you want to do… gain insight into his ideals. If something you’re seeking wasn’t mentioned, then maybe he isn’t the one. A man doesn’t want a woman to settle on him when settling down, and if you appear to be doing what I call “proposal fishing” (just looking for someone to pop the question) then yeah, he will probably run because you may come off as desperate. As far as why a man dates a woman, is much simpler. A man will date a woman for the simple fact she has a nice tush! The possibilities are endless!! His intentions could be as shallow as a puddle or have oceanic depth. If a man doesn’t have intentions on settling down, he sometimes searches for favorable qualities in the variety. Men keep it very simple when dating. He may find her somewhat attractive or absolutely stunning. Either way, it’s fair game as long as her attitude isn’t through the roof.  Now marriage is entirely different. Assuming he even wants to get married at all, that variety I just mentioned is sought out in one. When a man chooses a woman he wants to be his wife, it’s usually because he believes all of the essential qualities he needs are incarnated in one, which separates her from the dating pool, no matter how deep or vast it is. This is why I always tell women when a man wants a woman for his wife, he handles it. “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10) I wouldn’t want to give you a set number of things on behalf of all men, because what’s at the top of the totem may be at the bottom for another. I will say this though, what we all want is sincerity, compatibility, stability, and passion whether male or female. All you can ever worry about being is the best possible you, not bending over backwards to fit a man’s expectations. His needs and your love language need to be in harmony. If your best is not good enough for him, then FUNK him!!!     

1. 1. Honesty
2. 2. Commitment
3. 3. Respect, not just for me
4. 4. Clean Bathroom (if you don’t keep this area clean, then neither are any of the other area’s), nothing worse than going to a woman’s house and seeing a dirty toilet or tub (YUK) This one is a bonus!

Kenyada Says: Ms. I’m So Ready, this question alone makes me appreciate being part of this column because I’ve always wanted to explain my points regarding this issue to as many women as possible, but before I continue let me say that I totally agree with you attempting to avoid unnecessary situations that will waste your time. There is nothing wrong with explaining your standards, your preferences, and your expectations. However, the aforementioned information should be explained appropriately and respectfully. With that being explained, let’s get into my real responses to your questions …… I’m 28 years old, single, no kids, no diseases, no drama, further educated, decent job, and my friends consider me to be a decent person. In addition, I love the idea of family and committing myself to that woman who I can’t live without. No doubt about it … I do want to get married. Now, as I re-read what I just wrote I have to admit that it sounds beautiful - I’m what my friends consider to be a decent guy looking to commit to a beautiful and amazing woman who I can’t live without. However, things are more complicated than that. In my opinion, a man needs to have a strong understanding about what he’s committing to and that “researching phase” is exactly what turns things into a different ball game. In other words, if we’re dating and you bring up marriage early I’d want to know the real reason(s) that got you to this point in your life where marriage is the ultimate and only focus. At this point, what I’ll being paying attention to is your approach, your delivery, and your message. By my standards, your approach and delivery tally up to be 90% of the overall subject matter, while the message (marriage) is only 10%. Why? Because your approach and delivery will help me discern if you’re (1) completely over your past (2) only focused on your biological time-clock (3) only interested in a “wedding” and not “marriage” (4) looking for someone to save you (5) desperate and feeling pressured and becoming more willing to settle for “any” man or (6) totally interested in building a foundation of friendship and love in preparation for that lifetime commitment. Please understand that your approach and delivery will supply me with the details that support why you immediately want someone who’s interested in marriage. Therefore, if the details are of more emotion than logic then your message will not be received well at all. Remember, you’re talking to a man, hence, logic matters … and if you’re wondering why men are so caught up in logic, here’s our simple rule of thumb: Emotions change, Logic doesn’t. Consequently, it is best for a woman to be very balanced in her approach and delivery when talking to a man, especially one whom she recently began dating, because it’s important that you respect and consider that this man is still somewhat new, hence, you’ll possibly be graded heavily on how you talk (approach & delivery) about this subject, which of course is viewed by men as something that is extremely serious and deeply rooted in women. If this is done well and you blatantly exhibit that you are poised when talking about seeking marriage a man has no choice but to respect you, but if you deliver your message (marriage) as a persuasive speech you may be seen in a different light. With all of that being explained, I can go directly into my three deciding factors that I will use when deciding on who my wife will be: (1) she has to love herself and seek and believe in God – there are plenty of women who believe in God, but there are too many women who don’t really love themselves (2) we have to have a strong friendship before love even comes into the picture – there are moments when love doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on and the solid friendship foundation will be the best thing to fall back on (3) she has to present her true self to me – there are several women out there who present a fake image just to get that ring. I despise these types of women. You should not have to trick or convince a man to marry you – True Quality never has to explain or convince someone that they are quality; if that person doesn’t recognize it … someone else will. Hope this helps.