Why Do Men Take & Take When They Know That You Are Not The Woman He Wants To Be With?

Dear HEET:

How and where do men learn how to treat women? Do they treat them ‘as they want to be treated,’ or once a man starts dating a woman are habits then developed (without question, doubt, or hesitation)? Also, is it inevitable to have tug of war challenges in most relationships simply because he does not want to see eye to eye? And finally, if he really does not want to see eye to eye, then why does he continue to take, take, and take even when he also knows that you are not the woman he wants to be with?

~Frustrated with Questions

___

The Kid Says: As with a lot of things in people's lives (men and women), men learn a lot about women from the men in their lives. Of course this means that if they come from a Huxtable-like family, they will have a slightly different view and than if they come from a single-mother home. Additionally an individual man's personality helps shape how he treats a woman--whether he is a fair person, overly giving, or overly taking. It is inevitable in any relationship (family, friends, romance) to have some back-and-forth because BOTH people won't always see eye to eye. There has to be compromise on both parties for it to work. Additionally, some things may be deal breakers and they must be made known up front; otherwise they could be continual points of contention, while wasting the time of both man and woman. People only take, take, and take when you give, give, and give--so both parties must change their actions.

Zeek Says: Home teaches us right from wrong (and gives us the tools to determine the different between the two), but we need the environment so that we can experience and utilize these tools ourselves. The answer to [Do they treat them ‘as they want to be treated,’ or once a man starts dating a woman are habits then developed] is above. If the man has not been given the tools to know how to treat a lady, then he will treat her as he’s seen within his environment. I don’t think it is inevitable to have tug of war challenges because he does not want to see eye to eye. The two of you are just not going to agree on everything. Challenge can be good if it is not destructive and can help both parties grow. Finally, as to your question regarding why he takes, takes and takes…put it this way; if you offer a homeless man a brand new Snuggie, and you see he has 20 blankets already, do you think he is going to turn your Snuggie down? Stop giving! Of course he is going to take, take, take, when you keep giving, giving, giving….

ME163 Says: People will only do to you what you allow them TO do. If they have leeway TO take, take, and take then they will do so if they are THAT low but honestly would it be HIM that is bad if YOU were in fact attracted to HIM and HE is on some sorta level to where he would juice you then it's YOU that maybe needs to retool one's thinking. As far as treating someone the way they want to be treated every female says that they want A, B, and C but when they GET A, B, and C. There's always a D, E, F, G, H, I, etc. so there really is no marker for how to treat someone in this day and age because people's heads are so souped up with BS that the media and television creates. So basically they stay chasing something that does not exist on any realistic level therefore will never find happiness if they look to be treated the way they WANT to be treated yet have no sense of being able to treat OTHERS the way they would imagine THEY would like to be treated BY others.....

Jeremiah says: The most important thing we’ve ever been given as a species is the freedom of choice! Boys are exposed to lots different things as they grow, and they learn from their experiences is many ways. For example, my mother was beaten multiple times by her significant other while I was growing up, and my father was never really there for me. These aren’t uncommon stories we hear from the people we encounter, and I could’ve easily chose to use my upbringing as an excuse to be a womanizer. Instead, I chose to learn from these experiences and instead of becoming them, I used them as examples of what to transcend as I came of age. It is my belief that at some point, a man consciously decides who he is and this directly affects how he treats the people in his life. If a man has been treated poorly by all the women in his life, he may choose to treat every woman he becomes involved with poorly as a method of protecting himself. Obviously, this example of behavior is highly unskillful, but the point is, this man simply is choosing to behave childishly. As far as the tug of war issue, if two people aren’t truly compatible their relationship usually degrades to a battle of the wills, meaning a constant fight of who can get whose way. This is a catastrophic waste of time, as it accomplishes nothing but depletes your energy and distracts the hell out of you. I always say, “A relationship should be freedom, not bondage.” Lastly, when women stop accepting boyish behavior, there will cease to be a shortage of men. Perhaps the only reason this man can take, take, and take is because you queen, continues to give, give, and give! If his conduct is so unacceptable than it’s obvious an adjustment needs to be made. Too often women hang around and wait for a man that has given all the signs that the only destination of the relationship is straight to oblivion. Why waste all of your sweet gifts for someone that brings you no authentic joy? The man you share so much of your time should remind you of the better qualities that you possess. He should be in direct harmony with the real you. Not weigh you down with unnecessary crap. Real love is too good and life is actually too long to spend it with someone unworthy.

Kenyada says: A man can treat women a certain way for several different reasons. It could be based on how he saw his dad treat his mom (or girlfriend(s)), how he saw his mom treat his dad (or boyfriend(s)), or it could be based off of his own individual desires – some men literally want to be that smooth romantic and some men want to knock ‘em down like it’s a sport. Either way, how a man learns how to treat a woman should not be your focus – that’s too general – you need to make things more precise and only view how your man chooses to treat you and discern if it’s healthy (and worth it) for you to continue to be in a relationship with him. In regards to habits, they are developed throughout the relationships in life – some are bad, some are good, some are weak, and some are strong, but this is where you have to discern if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship. Can you handle staying with him and truly help him improve the bad and weak habits (without nagging)? Or are his strong and good habits not good enough for you to risk staying? Be honest with yourself and make a decision. In regards to the rest of your questions … “inevitable tug of war challenges because he doesn’t want to see eye to eye?” … “why does he continue to take, take, and take even when he also knows that you are not the woman he wants to be with?” … Relationships are a two way street, but it sounds like you’re in the passenger seat driving down his one way, so you need to ask yourself these questions: (1) Is it me? - am I too emotional, too naive, too bitter, etc. (2) Is it him? – does he even care, does he even try, etc. (3) Is it us? – are we even on the same page, has our relationship solely become a “big obligation” to the both of us, etc. Again, be honest with yourself and make a decision. In all, never love with both eyes closed and never forget to check yourself on occasion … practice that balance.

MAC-2 Says: I believe that most men initially learn how to treat women by imitating their fathers, older brothers, grandfathers, and uncles. The person I respected the most growing up was my grandfather and his relationship with my grandmother was perfect in my eyes. Growing up I always envisioned that I would have the same type of relationship(s) with the person I was dating or going to marry. Once you start dating you without any question develop your habits and tendencies, but in the beginning dating is new so you learning as you go. With any relationship there are going to be challenges, but that's where you develop your negotiations skills and the ability to comprise. Every challenge in a relationship should not develop into a tug of war, there will be situations where you will not see eye to eye, but that should be exception not the norm. If everything develops into a tug of war, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship and you need to remove yourself from it. In any relationship, a man is only going to take only what a women is willing to give, that applies for the lady of the moment or the future wife. For example if he goes out and stays until 3am, and if you don't say anything then he will feel that he can do that all the time. If you set limits, he will know where the line is.

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