June 23, 2010

In being an activist for healthy relationships, I have the pleasure of meeting so many women in different phases of their lives. I hear many stories, scenarios, and situations concerning relationships. There are times when it breaks my heart to hear of some bad personal experiences. In talking and listening, I can confirm that deep down she and I both know that some situations could have been prevented. There are some women who are so addicted to pain and drama that they begin to create their own hurtful reality of deceit, distrust, tragedy, and heartache. They do this by walking into and staying in situations that they know (for a fact) will produce more of the negative than the positive. These are women who chase fire. Below are my top six categories.  Do you see yourself described below?

The Thrill Seeker: She hates the risk in being on a rollercoaster, but she loves the adrenaline rush. That’s enough for her to stay in this category. Candidly stated, she dates bad boys: the unapologetic and secretive sex addict, the blatantly obvious married man, the thuggish, yet charming drug dealer, and the sophisticated con artist, just to name a few. She craves the spontaneity. Like a rollercoaster takes you through loops and bounds, he takes her on an emotional ride of highs, lows, and twists that rivals anything she has felt before. Because of this, she feels alive. She feels something rather nothing. Her motto is:  let’s give them something to talk about!

Dangers in being The Thrill Seeker: As fast as the ride began, it could end just as quickly. Also, there’s the dangerous risk of getting tangled into the lifestyle of some of the bad boys. Don’t forget that there’s a whirlwind of emotions that come with this category: In one day, you can go from being happy and excited to having suspicions of infidelity, anxiety over where the relationship’s going, and anger, and/or sadness over what is happening to your life. Do you really need this?

The Exonerator: She takes him back over and over and over again or, she runs back to him over and over and over again. Have you heard the phrase, “you’ve been exonerated of all charges?” Well that’s her quote. She frees him from the obligation of ever being good to her. Nothing has changed, except the day. She allows him to come and go as he pleases, in and out of the relationship. Every time she says that it’s over and that she won’t take this anymore, come next week, she tells him, “let’s work this out.”  She’s only showing him that she will take whatever he dishes out to her.

Dangers in being The Exonerator: This category affects your self-esteem more than anything. You begin to question your own judgment, decision making, and ultimately your own self worth. You can become confused and ultimately pessimistic about your own future—especially the one with him. You’ve taken him back so many times that you begin to wonder if this is what a real relationship should feel like. And that is where the confusion sets in. Do you really need this?

The Attention hunter: She’s already in a relationship, but she’s lonely. For whatever reason, her boyfriend doesn’t show her the attention that she (rightfully so) feels that she deserves. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t show her any attention. She, in turn, goes to find it elsewhere. “Friendly flirting,” is a term that you’ll hear her use often. Whether she’s spending time with someone new or secretly scheduling rendezvous with someone from her past, she’s on the hunt for some attention…and maybe even a little affection.

Dangers in being The Attention Hunter: It’s dangerous for the relationship because the moment your guy gets a suspicion that you are flirting, it’s going to create a motion for those wheels to turn in his imagination. The moment he runs across that accidental text message or the email that you thought you deleted, it will create a chain reaction of emotions within him. He may even wonder if you are cheating or if you are capable of cheating. This will only cause arguments. And what about you? Even if your guy never suspects anything, this only opens doors for you to be confused. What if you begin to care about the new guy that you’ve been flirting with? What if he begins to care deeply for you? Also, what if you start thinking that your man is out doing the same thing? Although only hypothetical, these things happen pretty often. Do you really need this?

The Settler: There are so many women who fall into this category. I hear about this one more than any others. She gets caught up in flings when she’s seeking a relationship. Let me repeat something for you. Women within this category are seeking relationships. More specifically, they are seeking monogamous, long-term, meet-me-at-the-altar relationships. Then, all of a sudden, they run into Mr. Charming. This is the man who says everything right. He’s the one who’s looking right, feeling (on you) right, and is (again) saying ALL the right things. You let your guards down—without knowing anything more about him. When the truth finally comes out, he’s not seeking a commitment—and that’s okay. Not everyone will. But here’s where The Settler’s problem begins…she continues to date him. She even says to him (and all of her girlfriends who caution her) that she knows what she’s doing—she, too, is seeking a fling. She’s obviously lying to herself and everyone else, too. At the end of the day, she’s settling.

Dangers in being The Settler. You will not get what you want—at least not in the near future, or until he’s ready for a relationship. And, too many times, women have waited on a man to “get ready,” and when he finally became ready, it was with another woman. In this category, women tend to feel lonely and mistreated. They are giving the benefits to the guy, but they are not receiving anything of substance in return. But, she can’t be upset with him. He told you in the beginning what he was seeking, and you moved forward with him anyway. Do you really need this?

The Dealer: She stays in dangerous relationships. She knows that it’s time to leave. She has already confessed to everyone that she knows that she should just leave. Any advice you give her—she already knows. She’s called the dealer because she just “deals” with it. “It” could be his behavior, his abuse, his neglect…anything. She overlooks it, ignores it, shuts down when it’s about to happen, etc. She deals with him the best way she knows how. Why does she stay with him? There’s one reason—fear. It could be fear of how he will respond if she leaves him, fear of what her life would be like without him, fear of how she could support herself without him financially, fear of the unknown, or ANY other fear.  Regardless, she just deals with him in the meantime.

Dangers in being The Dealer. Stress! Stress becomes your worst best friend. You are so used to dealing with him and his abuse that it becomes second nature. You are exhausted, body, mind, and soul. Your self-esteem has also been affected. You live in embarrassment and shame more often than not. You question yourself and why you haven’t made certain decisions more beneficial to you and your livelihood. The more people you share your story with, the more you start feeling embarrassed about your relationship and your decision making. Do you really need this?

The Amnesiac: Unlike many of the other categories, the Amnesiac tends to have a pretty good thing going with her beau. She’s the one who unknowingly brings in the drama. Lies by omission is her middle name. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, is her motto.  She’s the one who won’t tell her man anything unless he asks her specifically. That way she isn’t lying to him—in her eyes. She only wants him to see her representative—the good girl in her. She hates conflict, and this is the best way to stay out of it. Every justification from her starts with the word, “technically.” Her selective memory is what gets her into the category of the Amnesiac.

Dangers in being The Amnesiac. Things that happen in the dark come to the light. We’ve all experienced the truth in this old adage. When the truth is finally revealed (even if over something tiny) this creates a breach in trust which cracks the foundation of the relationship. He starts thinking that if lied about this, then what else have you lied about? Amnesiacs spend much  of their time covering themselves: deleting emails, calls, figuring up excuses or alibis, to name a few. Anyone who’s ever experienced a break in trust within your relationship knows how difficult it is to bring it back. Do you really need this?

While the thought of a glowing, flowing, and free flame seems hard to resist, just know that the closer you get the hotter you become and the more risk you are putting yourself under. By the end, all you will have are third degree burns and a pile of ashes to show. It’s not worth it. If you fall into any of the categories above, really ask yourself, if you really need this drama in your life. My initial advice would be, “no!” Put out those flames in your life. As a matter of fact, work on fire prevention. That’s the next article. Check back soon for part II: Fire Prevention.